Tuesday, October 22, 2002

paranoia

i talked to my mom a good long time tonight... it was really nice... we just bullshitted... she told me some stories about when she was a little kid... actually, she told me a lot of stories... about growing up and whatnot... it was very enlightening... i really learned a lot about her that i really didn't know before... and we talked a little bit about me... and... i think i've learned something about myself... that i think i already half-way knew... but know i'm sure about it... i'm very paranoid... about just about everything... i don't think i let on in my blog how paranoid i am... but, trust me, i am...

i'm a border-line hypochondriac... i know that for sure... every little twitch and headache... i think i'm dying... i hurt myself and i wonder what effect this will have on my overall well-being... a few months back i was having headaches every day for a little over a month... i was scared to death what was causing them... as soon as i got a job they went away... so i figured they were most likely cause by minor depression and boredom... anyway... today i felt that same headache come back... i'm sure they're just caused by something psychological... cause i surely have been worried about school lately... and my wisdom teeth and having surgery........

when i was little, i was always scared that my parents would leave me... when i was at home and my mom was out of sight i would yell out "MOOOOMMMMYY!!!!!" until she would answer me... "what?????" and i would say "...just checking..."... and if they were gonna drop me off somewhere... or leave me for the little amount of time... i would scream bloody murder... "DON'T LEAVE ME!!!" ...now, i was little when i did this... like... 3 or 4 or 5... so, i wasn't just being a brat... i was really terrified that they were gonna leave me... and then when i was like 3 or 4... we were at the mall... and my parents went down the escalator thinking that i was right behind them.. but i wasn't... they went down without me... and then i realized they were gone... horrible fear realized... they left me... though not on purpose... anyway, some nice lady held my hand and took me down the escalator back to my waiting parents... (this experience has scarred me... to this day I can not go down an escalator without holding someone's hand... and if i'm not with anyone... i brave it, but it's still really scary)...

i never have good, happy, crazy dreams... they're all pretty damn bad... i wouldn't necessarily call them nightmares, but they're dang close... it's always either the end of the world, we're all about to die, and i'm running for my life trying to find some place safe to try to survive... or someone is chasing me trying to kill me in one way or another... lately steven's been in these dreams fighting someone bad and they come after me and steven tells me to run... or i have dreams involving lions/tigers/(sometimes) bears... they are chasing me trying to eat me or whatever... i've had those dreams since i was little... the circumstances always change, it's not really a recurring dream... but sort of a recurring theme... huge scary cat wants to eat me... where did this come from? i have no clue... actually, where any of this comes from, i have no clue... no one's ever tried to harm me in any way (unless i've blocked the memory)... so, why do i have these dreams that i need to run for my life???

i'm always worried or scared about something... it's a crappy existence.. :) nah, i'm really not complaining... it's not bad... just when i think about it do i realize how paranoid i am... why??

7:15 PM CT  :: 

Comments: Post a Comment


The Streets of
  Where I'm From

Just Another Girl
Tricia's Journal



powered by
blogger pro